How to get kicked out of a bar.

Here is a true story about my own experience of getting kicked out of a bar. This was a lot of fun and I think everybody should experience this at least once in their life!

While I was in the U.S. Army, stationed in Ft. Hood, TX, my friends and I hung out in the bars  a lot on the weekends. So, this started off just like any other Saturday night.

One of my drinking buddies came to my room in the barracks and said, “Hay, lets go get drunk!”

I agreed to go to one of our favorite bars that night and didn’t think we would have any issues.

Well, our problems started on this night just moments after we walked through the door of the bar.

I went to the bar with five other guys. So there were six of us and we tried to find a table big enough for all of us. The bar was packed that night, so we had to look around for a while before we found an empty table. When we finally found a table, there were only five chairs, so we had to find another one.

We found an old man sitting at a table all by himself and he had an extra chair that nobody was using. One of the other guys politely asked the old man if he could take the extra chair.

The old guy got pretty rude and said, “No! Someone’s sitting here!” Then he got an attitude and said some other rude things. (I don’t even remember what he said next, but he wasn’t nice about it.)

Being soldiers in the Army, we had to be respectful of civilians, so, rather than return fire with the rude comments, my friend just walked away.

Someone finally left the bar and we were able to steal that chair from the empty table.

As we were all hanging out and getting drunker and drunker, we watched that old man and noticed that nobody was sitting in that extra chair and the old guy was just sitting in the bar alone being a jackass! On this weekend, we were able to just laugh at him being an idiot. We didn’t really pay a lot of attention to him on this night. We just minded our own business and when the night was over, we just left without incident.

The following weekend was when the real fun began!

The same group of guys wanted to go out to the same bar, again on Saturday night. So I agreed to go and get drunk again.

This night, we got to the bar and it was just a typical Saturday night, nothing was really going on at the bar. We all sat down and started drinking beer after beer after beer.

I’m not even kidding, I must have had 10 beers and 2 or 3 shots of whiskey by now. One of my friends said, “Hay David, lets do a shot of Tequila!”

I said, “No. I can’t stand Tequila! It tastes like shit!”

It only took a few minutes for him to talk me into drinking ONE shot of Tequila.

So I went to the bar and got two shots of Tequila. Then I talked to the bartender and she gave me some advice.

She said, “Since you don’t like Tequila and your friend does, here’s two shots, one with a Lemon and one with a Lime. You drink the one with a Lemon and give your friend the Lime.”

She said, the Lemon would make it easier to drink. So I took her advice and it didn’t help, it still tasted nasty!

When I finished the first shot of Tequila, my friend insisted that we drink another shot. I reluctantly drank another one. That was all I could handle of that shit! I went back to drinking beer.

It was the Tequila that killed me here, because, up till this point I was acting normal, calm and like a sane human being. But, when I mixed in the Tequila, I turned into: David the Psycho Comic. However, most people in the bar didn’t think I was very funny, because most of my jokes were on them!

I started talking shit and making fun of literally everybody in the bar. Including: The bartenders, my friends, the DJ, the bouncer, all the customers, and people that weren’t even there with us. I made jokes about people back home in Michigan, my Drill Sergeants from Basic Training, my Platoon Sergeant and Lieutenant and everyone else I could think of!

I went to the bar and said some stupid things to the bartenders first. I don’t remember any of the specific things I said, but most of the things I said to people that night were ten times worse than anything the old man said on the previous weekend!

As people walked by me, I gave them an evil look and pointed at them as I laughed at them and said things like, “Damn, you’re ugly! Where did you get that stupid looking hat ass hole? Yo mama bitch! Etc.

Earlier that night, they were selling raffle tickets at the bar. The grand prize was a $100 bar tab. They were only about .50 cents a piece. So between my friends and me, we probably had about 50 of them. You had to be present to win. I will come back to this later. Just keep it in mind, because it has a lot to do with “How to get kicked out of a bar”!

When I got tired of insulting everybody in the bar, I sat down and drank a few more beers. My friends tried to keep me calm. They were only successful for a short period of time. Pretty soon I got bored again and started looking around  the bar, I was looking for any way I could torment people and have some more fun at someone else’s expense.

I looked all around the bar and finally, guess who I saw sitting all alone in the far back corner of the bar, with an extra chair that no one was sitting in? You guessed it, that same little piece of shit, old man that pissed us off a week ago!

I said, “Hay, you guys see that stupid, old man sitting in the corner all by himself?”

They said, “Yeah. What about him?”

“Remember how he pissed us off last weekend?”

They said, “So, just leave him alone.”

I replied, “No! We’re going to drag him out into the parking lot, beat him up and take all his money!”

They went on saying, “No, just forget about him.”

I said, “Oh, come on! He’s 85 years old! There’s six of us, one of him, he’s old, we’re young! We can take him! We can knock his ass out in less than two minutes!”

“I could beat him up myself if I wanted, but then all five of you would be witnesses and I don’t need you guys ratting me out! So you all have to come out with me and you all just have to hit him just one time each! That way, you will have blood on your hands to and you can’t tell on me, because you will be just as guilty as I am and you will be in the same amount of trouble! You guys just hit him once each and step back, then I will take over and start body slamming him and practicing some of my US Army, Hand to Hand Combat training on him! Then I’ll have one of you go get me a bucket of water, so I can pick him up by his feet, dip his head in the bucket and I am going to “Mop the floor” with his bloody head—Literally!”

“When we get done beating him up, we can just leave and go to another bar. When he regains consciousness, we will already be 50 miles down the road, hanging out at another bar in a different city! He ain’t going to remember what we look like! He’s probably got Alzheimer’s by now anyway! We can call an ambulance before we leave if it makes you feel any better about it! By the way, since you guys are so reluctant to do this, I get to keep all his money! He obviously has a ton of money, because he is drinking more than all of us are!”

My friends finally calmed me down—again, for the second time that night! So now I forgot about the old man, because they wouldn’t let me go play Baseball with his head. L

It was around 12:30 when my friends decided they wanted to leave. Remember those raffle tickets I mentioned earlier? This is where they come in.

My friends said, “Hay David, we want to leave now.”

I said, “We can’t leave yet. They are having the drawing in about 45 minutes. We all have a bunch of tickets; you know there’s a good chance that one of us is going to win the $100 bar tab!”

They insisted on leaving early.

So I grabbed all the raffle tickets that we had and I went walking around the bar and approaching almost every single person in the bar, except that ugly, old man. I started doing some fast talking, trying to sell those raffle tickets.

I said to one guy, “I have about 50 raffle tickets here. There’s a really good chance you are going to win with all of these! Come on man, don’t you want to win? It’s a $100 bar tab! I only want $30 for them all! You know you are going to win with all these!”

This guy said, “No, I’m not interested in buying the tickets. But, you have a very good sales pitch. I should hire you to work for me selling used cars!”

I quickly moved on to everybody in the bar asking them to buy these tickets for just a little more money than what we had all paid for them. Remember, a few hours ago, I was just insulting everybody in the bar and talking shit about them! Now I want them to buy something from me. Not going to happen!

The last guy I approached trying to sell the tickets was a really big guy standing by the door. He was just watching everybody in the bar and not hanging out with anybody. I was too inebriated to realize who it was that I was talking to or to think that it may not be a good idea to talk to him right now. At this point, I really didn’t care either!

I gave him the same sales pitch I gave everybody else.

I said, “Dude, do you want to buy these……….”

He said, “No! I can’t buy those from you! I work here! We sold them to you! You can’t sell them back to us! I could have you arrested for this!”

I said, “Oh shit!” and I quickly walked away. I went back to hang out with my friends!

The last guy I tried to sell them to was the bouncer!

He came over to my friends and said in a very mean, aggressive voice, “Get him out of here right now before I throw him out!”

Just before we left the bar, one of my buddies that I was hanging out with that night told me that I can’t go back to that bar for 6 months. They took a picture of me and gave a copy to everyone who works there and If I did go back, I’d be arrested!

The following weekend, the same group of guys wanted to go back to that same bar. They came and asked me If I wanted to go with them.

I said, “I can’t! remember, they took my picture and gave it to everyone that works there! I can’t go back for 6 months!”

One of them spoke up and said, “Dude, we made that up, just to get you to leave! Do you know how many times I’ve been kicked out of there? About five! But I still go back there all the time and they never say anything about it!”

I laughed and said, “You’re a dumb ass! Now, lets go get drunk!”

As soon as we got there, We saw that same ugly old man all by himself with an extra chair………………..!

(Keep in mind: I am not normally like this when I’m drinking, Only when I drink Tequila.

I don’t know why, but, I love telling this story. I enjoy telling people about this experience more than any other story of my entire life!)